The Ant Diet

  

My husband and I share our home with one teenager, one tweenager, two five year olds and roughly one thousand ants, give or take. It’s autumn and, I have been told, this is the time of year for lots and lots of ants. The running joke in our (new) neighborhood is that this subdivision was built on an anthill. Everyone here battles the formidable Formicidae.

These ants are tolerable; small, and easily smudged beneath an index finger. And they can be kept at bay for a day or two with ant traps and poisonous powders. Being around them so much though, I am starting to pay more attention to them—you know, their behavior, what seems to motivate them.

I’ve decided that ants really are pretty smart, colonizing critters. I knew that they were strong and extremely fast for their body size, but it’s their food choices I have come to admire most.

Ants seem to be on an all-carb diet. Breadcrumbs on the floor? Ants. Finished off bottle of wine in the recycling bin? (Drunk) ants. Smear of ice cream on the kitchen counter? Super happy ants. Apple pie? Don’t even get me started on the six-legged, frenetic mayhem.

I tried the Atkins Diet once and hated every second of that carb-free month. I’m trying the Ant Diet now.

I’ll start off the morning light with a packet of Saltine crackers (a little aged Gruyere cheese on top couldn’t hurt), followed by several slices of (well-buttered) whole wheat toast with peach jam. Mid morning snack will be pretzels (made tolerable by Ranch dip) and a cupcake (with sprinkles). Lunch will be pasta (specifically mac and cheese), and a bowl of cookie dough ice cream for dessert.

Please note, my dedication.

A simple afternoon snack of a rustic bread sandwich (with salami, butter and mayonnaise wedged in-between the bread slabs) will be followed by a super-charged carb dinner of two, large baked potatoes (with cheddar cheese, sour cream and bacon crammed in the top), brown rice (smothered in beef Stroganoff) and a Bavarian Cream Puff for dessert. Of course, to really follow the Ant Diet, I should drink wine (of any color) with all meals (and snacks).

If, after three or four months on the Ant Diet, I am not speedier and stronger than I have ever been I will be shocked. But I realize that to truly succeed on a diet requires a life-style change; they don’t necessarily work over night. I am willing to stick with this diet for years, if I need to.