Forking Foreigner: 6 British Foods I Will Never Eat Again

A million years ago when it took days (if not weeks) to chase an animal down in your barefeet, kill it with your handmade bow and arrow, eviscerate and butcher it with the shard of shale that one of your six wives whittled, and then figure out a way to preserve the meat without the use of refrigeration or salt, it made sense to eat really gross foods—that is sort of all you had and you were lucky to get it.

But a while after World War II ended, after England got back on its battered feet and charged, stiff upper lip into the modern world (full of indoor pull-chain loos and cramped under-counter refrigerators), one would presume that eating the remnants of slaughtered animals, the stuff that should only be used in tinned dog food would have ended with a collective sigh of relief.

It’d be a safe assumption, right? Wrong. Call it a cultural thing, but the Brits still eat some questionable grub.

In the first eighteen months of living in their country, being a food writer, I thought it best to try some of the foods that foreigners make fun of. Here’s a list of those foods I tried that I will never put into my mouth again.

1) Rollmops Not originally British, but the fact that they have embraced them so, makes it all the worse. Herring, skin intact, soaked in a sweet and sour brine until awful, then wrapped around an olive or onion. Served cold or room temperature.  Tastes like low tide.

2) Tripe The lining of a cow, sheep, pig or deer’s stomach. Have you seen­ this stuff? Culinary tip number 342: Stop reading any recipe that begins with, ‘boil for 2-3 hours to tenderize and clean’.

3) Black Pudding Sounds like something Mrs. Doubtfire might set down in front of you after a nice English supper. It’s not. It is sausage made from the blood of pigs. The flavour isn’t all that bad, it’s just the idea that you are eating blood (and the iron taste that clings to the back of your teeth 30 minutes after finishing).

4) Jellied Eels At least no one is trying to sweeten up the name—this is what it purports to be. Fresh water eels cut into rounds (never mind about the skin and bones), then cooked in a fish stock and allowed to cool in the gelatin that results naturally from their bony serpentine bodies. It’s like eating a snotty snake.

5) Cockles in Vinegar Cockles are small clams that are cooked and chucked into a vat of vinegar. Cockles = Good. Cockles + Vinegar = Gag.

6) Brawn Also known as ‘head cheese’. This is a case of dressing up the name so that young children will eat the head on their plate. Made from a calf, cow, pig or sheep’s head, the brain is removed (these people aren’t Barbarians, after all) and it is boiled. As it cooks, the skull releases copious amounts of gelatin. The head is picked of its meat sometimes chunks of heart may be added, then the meat and skull gelatin are mixed together and set. Eaten by the slice usually as luncheon meat. Just the idea of this is a show-stopper.